My name is Sara Wine and this is my story. I've always believed in God, but my understanding didn't go much beyond His existence. Growing up in Economy Borough with my parents and 2 sisters, I attended a Christian school and went to church every week – though I usually slept through the services. When I was 11 years old, I started riding horses and going to horse shows on the weekend, so I stopped attending church but my Christian education continued until I attended Quaker Valley High School. I came back to church for a brief time in High School and actually attended the grand opening of Orchard Hill Church in 1989. My parents began attending as well. I moved out of the area for collage and stopped going to church. Once I returned to Pittsburgh, church attendance became more of a holiday thing – God and church really had no active part in my life.

In 2001, I married a man that I had been dating for over 10 years. Though we knew each other a long time, we didn't really know each other well – communication was not a strong asset for either of us. We were divorced not long afterward. I dated and was in and out of relationships for a few years – nothing serious. Then I finally met someone who I really cared about. Over time, some serious character flaws began to come to light. He was a heavy drinker at times, which is what I called it then. We became engaged to be married even though his drinking led to irresponsible behavior, followed by denials and lies to cover his addiction. He wasn't able to hold a job at times and the financial burden was placed on me. Though he was in denial, he obviously was an alcoholic, and I was determined to 'fix' him. Driven by my own guilt of a previously failed marriage, I tried to take control of things. I covered for his lies, took control of his finances and did everything I could to make everything okay. This constant work to make everything look good on the 'outside' was taking an emotional toll on me on the 'inside'.

Last July, in search of answers about his alcoholism and the insanity that had become my life, I came back to Orchard Hill. In November I ended the four year relationship and not too long after decided to give Serenity a try, thinking I would learn more about his addiction, not realizing that I would really learn about me and my co-dependent ways. I remember attending last year's Believer Baptism service and watching Wendy Neely share about the peace of God that she now has in her heart. I was so inspired by the way God had worked in her life. My own life was so out of control as I desperately sought to maintain control. I thought to myself, "I can't imagine understanding what it means to have that kind of peace." I was a mess emotionally – trying on my own to make things right and to always do the right thing.

But through serenity and through the amazing support of several different people here at Orchard Hill Church, I began to learn a few things about myself and my need for control. I began to see that I had my own issues. I had an unhealthy approach toward life – I was preoccupied with the needs of others in order to feel better about myself. I was inward with all my emotions – not willing to share, afraid to show emotions, afraid of being judged.

Coming to the realization that I, on my own will, was powerless was my first step toward a personal transformation. I joined a step study group with Pam King and other women who were also learning that same lesson. In that community of women, I began to learn more about myself and my need to 'fix' things. As I cried out to God, I kept asking him to help me 'fix' this relationship. Wasn't that what I was taught all of my life – to do everything you can to help other people? I remember specifically one night, in the depths of despair; I got down on my knees and cried out to God that I was done with trying to control my life and others and handed it all over to Him. For the very first time I began to hear Him and I began to understand. It wasn't my job to 'fix' anything. I needed to "Let go and Let God." The descent to the bottom was a very slow one, but I finally began to understand the scripture, '"when you are weak, He is strong." I came to Him at my weakest moment and He became my strength. From that moment on, my outlook began to change. I began to learn about my will and God's will and turning my will over to Him. I began to see that I was trying to make another person an idol in my life to make me feel complete instead of allowing God to fill the emptiness inside of me.

The peace that I found by giving up my own control to allow God to be in control is hard to describe. There are still always going to be some ups and downs, especially when interacting and dealing with challenging people. But I know that no matter what, nothing or no one can steal my joy and my peace ever again. I know that this joy and peace in my heart comes from God and no one can take that away from me. I can never be put in that dark place or pit again. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and I'm so relieved to know that I am not in control. I don't have to walk this life alone. God is with me. He has my best interests in mind and He surrounds me with other people who truly love and care for me.

This particular verse has great meaning for me, Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I learned that leaning on myself is what always failed me... now I lean on Him. Though those four years were very painful and difficult, I can honestly say they ended up being a blessing. I now understand fruitful suffering. Without that, I would not have come back to church, become involved in Serenity, met this wonderful group of girls in my small group and those in this church and be able for the first time in a relationship be free to love and be loved back.

My name is Sara Wine and this is my story.