Being Vulnerable in a Small Group

If you’ve ever been invited to a dinner party, then you are no doubt familiar with the anxiety of trying to present yourself in the best possible light. You want to make sure that you dress appropriately, that you bring something that everyone will like, that you arrive not too early – or too late, and that when you do arrive, you are able to hold entertaining conversations with people that allow you to make a good impression with people without making yourself look like a fool.

Once we leave, we, no doubt, mentally review the evening and wonder what everyone thought of us. We’ll rethink every conversation examining what more, or less, we could have said. Even if the majority of people liked the food we brought, we’ll only be able to think about the one person who didn’t seem to care for it.

In most cases, we approach social gatherings with the intention of winning. The problem with this is that to present yourself as someone who always wins is to present yourself as someone that you’re not. As much as we’d like to, no one wins 100% of the time. We’ve all experienced loss and failure. We’ve all lost our cool. We all have regrets that haunt us.

One of the tests of a healthy small group is the willingness of members to be vulnerable with each other. Being vulnerable is putting yourself in a position to experience pain and rejection. It means being honest about your regrets, your failures, your fears, and your deepest insecurities that influence your behavior. Only through being vulnerable can others get to know the real you. Only by being vulnerable can you know that others truly love you for who you are and not just for who you present yourself to be. Christian community calls for vulnerability. Growth in Christ requires it. So how do we get it?  What causes people to become willing to be vulnerable?

Imagine that you’ve been invited to participate in a bible study group. You’re new to town and this particular group has been together for a significant amount of time. This group has a high recommendation from the community, so you decide to attend. Before you get the chance to meet this group, you find out that someone in the group has learned about your darkest secret. This person has shared this information with the group, and they now all know who you really are. If you decide to join them, you will put yourself in a very vulnerable position. Do you still attend?

This is the exact situation the Apostle Paul found himself in after he was converted in Damascus. We see in Acts chapter 9 that, after Paul met Christ and was baptized, he started preaching that Jesus was the Christ to all the Jews that lived there. Being annoyed with his message, they put together a plot to have him killed. Paul escaped from Damascus and fled to Jerusalem for safety. He now found himself in a very vulnerable position. His convictions prevented him from returning to his former life.

Therefore, being a new Christian, Paul sought refuge with the other believers. They were his only hope. The problem was that they all knew who he was before he was converted in Damascus. He was a Christian killer. And they didn’t trust him because “they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple” (Acts 9:26). So, what was Paul to do?

If I was Paul, I might consider looking elsewhere for community. Most people would look for people who shared similar interests or hobbies. Personally, I’d give up on community altogether. But that wasn’t an option for Paul. He understood better than anyone that the Church was not just another social gathering. Instead, he believed the church to be the temple of God’s Spirit on earth (1 Cor. 3:16). The risen Christ has been placed as the Head of the Church who exists as his hands and feet in the world (Eph. 1:22).

The Church isn’t just something we can have if we so desire, it’s actually part of what we are saved to in Christ. It was because of this conviction that Paul pursued the church in Jerusalem. This is why he allowed himself to be vulnerable to people he had no relationship with. He loved Jesus and believed that the church was where God dwells on earth. Because of that, there was nowhere else to go.

But the question still remains: how can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in our small groups when the church continues to be a place of imperfect people who can hurt us? I believe there are at least three lessons we can learn from the life of Paul that will encourage us to live in vulnerability in our relationships with others. 

1. Have Confidence in the Finished Work of Christ

Before he became a Christian, Paul lived as a devout Jew. He was one of the most respected religious leaders of his day. Had he not met Christ, it was very likely that he would have been a part of the Jewish Sanhedrin (the equivalent of the Supreme Court today). In fact, in terms of living according to the Old Testament law, he was “blameless” (Phil. 3:6). His devotion led him to seek the extermination of Christians. A work he understood to be God’s will. As a Jew, he was confident in his position before God. As a Christian, he was faced with the shame of being an enemy of God and Christ.

How could Paul come to entrust himself to the Christian community? His confidence had been transferred from himself to Christ. He was now totally convinced that his righteousness was found in Christ and that there wasn’t anything, or anyone, who could change that. No act of righteousness on his part improved his righteousness. And no act of sin could take away from his righteousness. Paul allowed himself to be vulnerable because he had come to know perfect security in Christ. When it comes to being vulnerable in our small groups today, we can learn to open ourselves up to rejection by having confidence in Christ’s acceptance.  

2. Take Comfort in your Barnabas

Just like the early church, people today sometimes don’t know how to handle the baggage we bring to relationships. The reality is that there will be some people who don’t initially receive you or give grace to your past. In those seasons, it’s important to have a Barnabas in your corner. Acts chapter 9 shows us that, even though the disciples in Jerusalem didn’t believe Paul, Barnabas came to his aid and affirmed him before the church. Barnabas was a respected brother who had taken the time to get to know Paul and hear his story. Having the approval of Barnabas gave Paul access to the church throughout Jerusalem.

Being vulnerable in a small group doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to tell everyone every detail of your life’s story. It can also look like meeting a trusted leader one-on-one to build a trusted relationship. Having a friend in your corner can give you the confidence to embrace the friendship of others. Because being vulnerable in a small group can be intimidating, learning to be vulnerable with someone you trust can help make you more comfortable when you start to share your story with a larger group. 

3. Consider being Vulnerable as an Opportunity to Display the Glory of Christ

Our natural tendency today is to hide who we really are so that we can save face with those we are in relationships with. We tend to make excuses for our past and we often minimize our flaws. As we consider Paul, instead of being ashamed of who he had been, he embraced it as a story of redemption and as a testimony of God’s grace in Christ. In the book of Galatians, as he was seeking to show the power of the Gospel, Paul refers to his own life before Christ as an example of God’s transforming work through Jesus. He frequently referred to his former life as a way to say, “Because God saved and redeemed me, you can trust that God can save and redeem you.”

The reality is that, when we shy away from being vulnerable, we can miss an opportunity to share God’s work in our life. When we allow people to see what God has saved us from, it can then give them confidence in God’s work in their own life.

In closing, I don’t want to imply that being vulnerable always leads to a positive outcome. People, including Christians, struggle to accept what they don’t understand. Refusing to put yourself in a position that makes you vulnerable can certainly prevent you from experiencing the pain of rejection. But it can also cause you to miss out on the joy of being known, loved, and accepted. When you can confess your weakness and experience a small group embracing you with forgiveness, love, and friendship, it allows you to understand to a greater degree the love and forgiveness that Christ has for us. Being vulnerable in a small group is definitely risky, but it’s also worth it.