For as long as I can remember, even in my teenage years, I had a longing to be married. I romanticized the idea of sharing my life with someone that God had chosen just for me. It wasn’t only about companionship – I felt like I was ready to fully love someone and be fully loved in return. Ready to spend my life seeking to understand them better each day, serving them in big and small ways, showing them that, other than God, they were the focus of my adoration. Can you hear the birds chirping and see the butterflies dancing in the light breeze? Magical.
R-rr-rr-r-rr-rip! That’s the record scratch sound of reality. While I spent many years looking for my wife in all sorts of places, I didn’t find her in high school, not in college, not at church, not at work, or actually at all in my 20s. While I dated some nice girls, I never felt like they were “the one”, and I started to wonder if I was the problem. It turns out that I was the problem, but that’s because we’re all the problem. We are all broken people trying to unconditionally love each other through our brokenness.
I turned 30 and began to realize that I was missing out on some of the best years of my life with my wife, and I didn’t understand why God would withhold something from me that I had desired for so long. I did finally have my last first date, with a girl named Elizabeth, and just this past week we celebrated the 17th anniversary of that first date. We’ve been married for 15 years, and we have four beautiful boys, three of whom are with us and one who we will see again someday in heaven. If that’s any indication, life has been challenging, unpredictable, and yet beautiful.
If you find yourself in a season of singleness, it’s important to realize that singleness isn’t a curse. It’s not a state of being “less than.” It’s not a steppingstone to the more fulfilling experience of marriage. Both singleness and marriage have benefits and challenges, blessings and frustrations, and both can be used to honor God in different ways.
The apostle Paul has some insightful thoughts on this topic, which we find in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul writes these words to the believers in Corinth,
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” - 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (NIV)
The apostle Paul doesn’t withhold his opinion here that the more effective choice for service to the Lord is singleness over married life. He clearly explains this by stating that a single man or woman is only concerned about the affairs of the Lord. There is no division in their thinking or focus. And singleness was Paul’s personal choice as well – he writes in verses 7-9,
“I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” - 1 Corinthians 7:7-9 (NIV)
Paul reminds us that singleness affords more bandwidth to invest in relationships with not only friends and family, but also with those who are hurting or troubled, who need a word of encouragement. It’s not to say that those who are married have no time whatsoever to devote to ministry opportunities. However, Paul is emphasizing that while God blesses marriage as a holy covenant, it may also serve as a distraction from what life is ultimately about – and that is offering ourselves each day as a living sacrifice to God because our time here is short, and the world needs to hear the truth of the gospel spoken through us.
Paul speaks directly to this idea in verses 29-31. He says,
“What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed by them. For this world in its present form is passing away.” - 1 Corinthians 7:29-31 (NIV)
Taken at face value, this is hard teaching. Is Paul saying that we should abandon all relationships and ties to this world because none of this matters? Conversely, it’s because all we do in this life matters immensely for the life to come. The scholarly commentary for this passage in the Baker Illustrated Study Bible puts it this way,
“In light of the reality of the world’s demise, Christians should live as those who already have begun to live in God’s new kingdom. Those who have wives should remember that one day the caliber of fellowship to be enjoyed between everyone in the kingdom of God will exceed that which is now the exclusive possession of husbands and wives. Similarly, those who mourn should likewise recall that their mourning has already begun to call forth comfort. And those who are happy in the present world should bear in mind that the age to come will reverse present fortunes, in that the first will be last and the last will be first. Finally, those who buy things must recognize the transitory nature of their possessions and not become engrossed in the enterprise of attainment and use.”
From that viewpoint, whether we’re married or single, we should all reflect the image of Christ in our lives. If we’re single, we have the flexibility to practice undistracted devotion to God. Jesus lived a fully satisfied single life, demonstrating that human completeness is found in God alone rather than in marriage. His focus, while on this earth, was completely upon his mission to offer his life as a ransom for many, and nothing deterred him from his journey to the cross. In a sense, Christ has saved himself for us, his bride, the church, and when he returns someday to claim us as his own, he will have remained pure for us as our bridegroom to take us to live with him forever.
We also see Jesus reflected in the covenant of marriage. The role of both husband and wife reflects the nature of Christ himself. The role of headship for the husband, as the apostle Paul discusses in Ephesians 5:25-33, involves putting aside selfishness, and embracing the role of serving, protecting, and nurturing our spouse. And the role of submission for the wife, as seen in Philippians 2:5-11, involves humbling oneself and supporting the role of her husband’s headship, that the mutual mission of the marriage may be upheld. Through this exchange, in return, the wife receives glory and honor through her willing alignment. This is the journey of Christ, who humbled himself and became obedient to death on a cross, and through that humility and sacrifice God exalted him to the highest place of honor.
None of this is possible, however, without a husband, wife, or single person first placing Christ in his rightful place as the ruler of their hearts. Without this primary act of submission, all efforts to lead a spiritually meaningful life will fall woefully short. We cannot aspire to live a life that reflects the personhood of Jesus Christ without first accepting the free gift of grace that he offers us. It is only when Christ becomes the Lord of our life that we can be freed from the bondage of sin and death and therefore allow the Holy Spirit to guide us in all wisdom and truth, becoming a new creation in Christ that mirrors his beauty to the world.
God grants us the freedom to not only choose him, but to choose whether we serve him through the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage – as both are holy and acceptable in his sight. Paul reminds us of this in our original passage from 1 Corinthians 7. He says in verse 17,
“Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.” - 1 Corinthians 7:17 (NIV)
If God has called you to singleness, then reflect his undivided devotion to the world around you. If God has called you to marriage, then reflect Christ’s service, humility, and compassion to your spouse, and show the world what it means to love as he loves us. Wherever we find ourselves, let us remember that our time is short, whether by the breadth of our lives, or the season of Christ’s return, and we are called to make disciples and to teach them all that we have been commanded. That is our focus throughout all seasons of life, reflecting the personhood of Christ to a world that desperately needs to know him.
