Emotional Maturity: The Key to Influence and Enduring

My final year of seminary included a class that focused on the practical aspects of ministry, which leadership believed were essential for pastors and leaders to consider. During my last week, our professor mentioned a topic in passing that has stuck with me ever since. He alluded to a recent study he had come across that he felt would be a game-changer for pastors seeking to last in ministry. This study focused on the skill of “Emotional Intelligence.”

The study he referenced concluded that pastors who had the greatest impact in their community and those who avoided ministry burnout all shared the same trait: they all demonstrated high emotional intelligence.

Hearing this, as someone who wanted to have a lasting presence in ministry, I wanted to learn more about this important skill. What is it? How do you get it? How can you grow in it? 

Even if you’re not in ministry, this skill is imperative to living a life that influences others and finishing well.

In this post, we’ll take some time to understand what emotional intelligence means and how we might develop this skill.

Emotional Intelligence is having an accurate awareness of our own emotions, along with the emotions of those around us, while also being able to manage those emotions in a way that allows us to relate with others in a Christlike manner. Emotional Intelligence consists of four elements.

1. Personal Insight

2. Personal Mastery

3. Relational Insight

4. Relational Mastery

Personal insight is really about having self-knowledge/awareness. It involves knowing our feelings, thoughts, motivations, and the impact our behavior has on others. While it’s certainly possible that one can drift into what is often referred to as “navel-gazing,” we see in Scripture that we should have an accurate understanding of our own hearts and state of being (Prov. 4:23; Luke 6:41-42). 

Personal mastery refers to the ability to manage and regulate your emotions and reactions. While emotional intelligence is not necessarily a Christian concept, at this point I must say, that without the work of the Holy Spirit, personal mastery cannot be fully developed. In Galatians chapter five, the Apostle Paul lists the fruit of the Spirit, with “self-control” being the last fruit mentioned. That being said, in her book “The Emotionally Intelligent Pastor,” Jeannie Clarkson shares four practices that can help us grow in our personal mastery.

1. Monitoring your Emotions – Whether it’s through journaling or with the help of an app, paying attention to our emotions throughout the day and being able to define them, helps us understand them and better respond to them.

2. Tune in to Self-Talk – We all have a running narrative in our minds.  Most of it would be classified as negative self-talk.  Tuning in to self-talk allows us to identify the lies we believe so that we can then replace them with the truth of Scripture.

3. Identify Triggers – All of us have wounds and insecurities that trigger an unhealthy response.  If we’re going to master ourselves, we must take the time to reflect and identify the situations that are most likely to cause an impulsive reaction. Knowing these, we can then put a plan in place to help us avoid overreacting negatively when these situations arise.

4. Ask for Feedback – A fourth practice to help us grow in personal mastery is to ask others for feedback.  We all have blind spots.  Asking for feedback helps us to identify our negative behaviors that often go unnoticed.

Relational insight is the ability to be in tune with others, to hear their heart, read their mood, feel their pain, and understand their perspective. I’m always amazed at how in tune Jesus was with the people around him. Sometimes, he was even able to discern the thoughts of their heart!

While we may not have the ability to read people’s minds, we can grow in our ability to know others relationally. 

Relational Mastery, despite how it sounds, is not about learning to master others, but increasing in our wisdom on how to respond to others and influence them in a positive direction. We do this by being present, listening well, building trust, managing expectations, and empowering them. I’ve heard it described as “earning the right to be heard.” As we spend time investing in relationships, we earn the opportunity to influence them. Knowing them intimately gives us insight into how to apply the gospel to their situation. As we consistently point them to Jesus, we can trust that he will then work on their behalf to bring healing and maturity to their being.

Here’s why this is important. Studies show that people with a high emotional IQ report less conflict and less angst from trying to juggle the expectations of others. They also report having a higher sense of personal accomplishment while also having a more secure self-worth as they understand their identity and their place in the world they live in. Because of this, people with a high emotional IQ avoid emotional exhaustion and are more able to endure the difficult seasons they go through. Being unable to regulate our emotions or constantly having to react to the outbursts of others can leave us desperate for escape and relief. Emotional maturity enables us to pace ourselves so that we can stay effective for the long haul.   

Because we have been created in the image of God, we are emotional beings. We feel deeply. And the way we feel impacts our behavior toward others. Being able to accurately identify our own emotions, as well as the emotions of others, and positively respond to those emotions allows us to represent Christ to those who observe our lives unfolding. As a church, our mission is to help others “find and follow Jesus.” One of the ways we can develop in that is to be emotionally mature people living in an emotionally healthy community.    

To learn more about emotional intelligence, be sure to check out the book “The Emotionally Intelligent Pastor” by Jeannie Clarkson.